


definition of insanity

by MelodicWriter



Category: Bandersnatch - Fandom, Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch
Genre: Angst, Another fic for these two bc I have no self control, Delusions, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Obsession, Psychological Drama, Reality Bending, This one is angsty though, obsessive Stefan, sorry stefan for doing this to you I love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 22:32:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodicWriter/pseuds/MelodicWriter
Summary: Stefan Butler is sure this is the final time he'll be reset and can finally be together with Colin Ritman forever.





	definition of insanity

_Today will be different._

Stefan Butler's reflection stared back at him in the fingerprint stained mirror. He turned on the leaky faucet in the bathroom and splashed water over his face. He liked the sensation of the freezing cold droplets stinging his skin. It reminded him that he was alive. What a silly thing to need a reminder for. For Stefan though, it wasn't silly. He moved through most of his days not tethered to reality. He appreciated every reminder he could get. 

_Today will be different._

Stefan gave himself one last glance in the mirror. Not for too long. Too long and he would start to wonder. Wonder what lay underneath his skin. Wonder how deep he had to cut to feel something. Wonder if the bags under his eyes were as sunken as they appeared. Wonder the dullness in his eyes was as prominent to him as it was to others.

_Today will be different._

The walk over to Colin's was nice. Boring, but nice. Stefan had been there so many times now, the path had been ingrained into his feet. He could've walked there with a blindfold on. No matter how many times the timeline reset, that was one of the things that remained constant. He always knew how to get back to Colin. 

For the first hundred or so times, Stefan let Colin lead him over. Every time was the same; Stefan would be ditching his therapist appointment or his dad and would spot Colin amidst the crowd. He would run after him, they would catch up, and Colin would invite him over.

From there on, Stefan had been through all the options. Taking the drug from Colin. Refusing and being drugged anyways by Colin slipping the tab into his mug. Most of the time, it was one of those two. Sometimes there were others, but they were rarer. Half the time, he saw Colin slipping in the tab and still drank it anyways. Might as well. 

Instead of letting Colin take him, Stefan went over himself. It was more efficient to take the initiative rather than to wait around to run into Colin.

Nerves knotted in his stomach as he took the elevator up to where Colin resided. Behind the door would be Kitty and Pearl, Colin's family. They were there in all the timelines. Minus one. There was one where Colin had no child or wife whatsoever. Stefan thought that was a clear sign; a clear message from whoever was controlling this fucked up world that they could finally be together-that they were _supposed_ to be together. He thought that timeline was the solution.

He was wrong.

_Colin and I should have a family. In one of these timelines, we'll get one. I know it._

Stefan walked off the elevator and found Colin's apartment. He knocked on the door. 

_Please answer._

Sometimes it took Colin a couple of seconds to open the door, sometimes a couple hours. Stefan stayed the whole time, watching the door vigilantly for the slightest motion. Sure he had _Bandersnatch_ that had to get done, but that wasn't as important as this. Nothing was as important as this. For Stefan, everything rode on his interactions with Colin.

Luckily, Colin didn't keep Stefan in anticipation for long. He opened the door in a few moments. He adjusted his glasses, eyeing Stefan. Stefan's heart jumped in his chest. Colin was the only thing that kept him sane in this confusing mess of a reality. Colin was his escape. Colin was his everything.

"How're you doing?"

"Not good." Stefan didn't waste time trying to hide the fact that he was more like a walking corpse than a person. "Not good at all." 

Colin's eyes traveled up and down Stefan's body, assessing him. Every inch that his gaze covered made Stefan's skin burn- in a good way. He wanted fling himself into Colin's arms and confess his feelings; feelings that threatened to break out of his corporeal form and suffocate the air surrounding them. 

Waiting was the hardest part. Keeping his feelings hidden until it was safe enough to reveal them to Colin. Hoping and praying that one of these times it would work out; that putting himself out there for once paid off instead of throwing him back into a razor slicked pit of pain. 

"Come inside." 

There it was. Those words; so meager yet so powerful. He never got tired of the invitations to come inside. Inside was where everything happened. It was where he had fallen in love with Colin for the first time. Since then, he had fallen in love with Collin a multitude of times. Each timeline, his feelings only strengthened for the blond boy.

Stefan followed Colin into the apartment. As he suspected, Kitty stood holding Pearl swathed in a blanket. She smiled at Stefan, rocking Pearl in her arms.

"You must be Stefan from work?" 

Stefan resisted the urge to bitterly laugh.

_'Stefan from work'... As if it's that simple... Sure. We'll go with that._

"Yeah. We work together on games," Stefan said as politely as he could manage, plastering an artificial smile on his face. Being nice to Kitty was difficult, not that it was her fault. She was kind- relatively speaking. She seemed to care much about her daughter and Colin. He would've disliked whoever Colin was with, if he was being honest.

"He's not doing good. I'm going to help him," Colin explained. 

"Good luck with that." Kitty set Pearl down in her crib, cooing some lullaby Stefan didn't recognize. Colin led Stefan to the back of the apartment with a plush couch, chair, and large sliding glass doors.

Stefan sat down on the couch. Colin sat across from him in the chair. He picked up two LSD tabs from the table.

"Would you like one?"

"I want to talk." Stefan bluntly stated. He was fully aware this went against what he was supposed to be doing, but he didn't care. He didn't want to take any drugs. He wanted this conversation to be uninhibited. "I think this time we can make this work."

Colin sighed, as if he had been expecting this turn in conversation. He set the tabs back down on the table. "Stefan..."

Stefan flinched at his tone. He didn't like how he said his name, which was a shock because normally Colin saying his name was one of the most beautiful sounds in the universe. Not like this. The disappointment made Stefan feel like he was a stupid child who wouldn't let his unrealistic beliefs go.

_I'm not a child. I know what I'm talking about._

"What? I'm serious. Today will be different," Stefan repeated the phrase from this morning. It would. Today would be different. There was no doubt about it. 

"We can't be together." Colin turned away, casting his gaze down. Stefan frowned. They had this same conversation plenty of times. Once the timelines jumped to the double digits, Colin had become much more cynical.

_Don't look away. I hate when you hide yourself away from me._

"Yes we can," Stefan said, unwavering. He refused to give up hope. "We can. I know it."

"We haven't in any other timeline so far, so what makes you think this one is going to be any different?" Colin challenged. "So far every time we've tried to be together, it always ends with you just waking up and everything restarting." 

Sadness rushed into Stefan. Why did he have to remind him? That was one thing he most certainly did _not_ need a reminder for. The emptiness hit him right away as his eyes flashed open from a reset. He never knew exactly what feeling he would experience each time. At its base emotion, there was hollowness. Of course, there were variations. The last time was tinged in a deep melancholy. 

"I don't know... It's a feeling I get." Stefan bit his nails that were already dangerously short. "We can't just give up."

"In some other timeline, I'm sure we're together."

"That isn't good enough! I want to be with you in _this_ timeline. I don't want to keep laying dormant until somehow we finally get the chance. I want you now," Stefan said, the urgency in his voice rising. Colin blushed, his cheeks coloring a gentle pink.

"What if we never get together? What if we're just fooling ourselves into believing we have a shot at whatever this is?" Though they were across the room from each other, Stefan felt Colin's eyes piercing through him. Stefan was vulnerable. There was no where to hide. No where to run. Just him and Colin together in this small room. 

"There are many different timelines. You told me yourself. We just have to find the right one."

"We've been trying to for awhile now," Colin pointed out. "Maybe there just isn't any possible timeline where we're together." 

_Don't say that Colin. Don't say that. If you do, my heart is going to shatter into a million pieces and I don't know if I'll be able to put it back together._

"This is the one," Stefan restated, not budging. He stubbornly crossed his arms. 

"What about Kitty?" Colin's eyes shifted to one of the walls like she was going to burst in at any second. 

"She's not going to come in. She always leaves you alone. Come over here. I miss you." Stefan patted next to him on the couch. The corner of Colin's mouth twitched upwards. He walked over to Stefan and sat down next to him.

"No point in fighting. We might as well make the most of today. If everything restarts, at least we'll know we had a good time together." Colin mused. He crossed his legs and cleared his throat. "Hey Stefan... Do you... ever remember stuff from past timelines?" 

_Everything is a god damn mess. I have no idea what has happened, what is a dream, and what's real. I'm not even sure this is really happening. I never truly know. I can only hope that what I'm seeing is accurate._

"I'm... not sure," Stefan admitted. "I... have these flashbacks and I feel like I've done them before but I don't know..." Even thinking about it sent his brain in a slew of directions. "...I guess the flashbacks could be snippets of the past. We never really know, do we?"

Colin shook his head. "No, we don't... Nothing is certain."

"That scares me. I'm scared that one of these times maybe you won't be here." A glassy sheen fell over Stefan's gaze. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. He willed them to stay in.

_Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry._

Colin pulled Stefan into a tight hug. Stefan's heart beat so fast, he was sure Colin could feel it's thrumming as they had their bodies pressed up to one another. Stefan let himself go slack in Colin's arms. All the emotions he had pent up were released, just like that. He buried his head into Colin's neck, unable to stop the tears from pouring out.

"I'm going to be here. I'll always find you. I don't care if I end up on the other side of the world. I'll find you," Colin reassured, rubbing Stefan's back.

He wasn't sure exactly what he was crying about. The possibility of never seeing Colin again? The possibility of this all being an illusion? The possibility this would all restart in a couple of hours? Every sentiment of pain that he had stored down deep, springing up like a leak? 

Whatever it was, it rendered him useless. Stefan couldn't have moved if he wanted to. He pathetically cried with Colin's arms wrapped around him. On one hand, being as close as he was with Colin was comforting. On the other hand, he knew it could all be ripped away-like that. He didn't want to restart and find himself back in that bed alone.

"I'm sure we'll find our perfect timeline. Who knows, this could be it," Colin soothingly said, continuing to pat Stefan's back lovingly. Stefan wasn't sure if he genuinely believed that, or if he was just saying it to appease him and make him stop crying, but either way, it worked.

"O-Okay..." Stefan hiccuped. "I'm sorry for getting your shirt all wet..." He wiped the remaining tears away and glanced down at Colin's shirt. The red button up had a dark crimson patch where he had cried. 

Colin smiled understandingly. "It's okay. Shirts dry." He ran a finger along Stefan's jaw. "You're a pretty crier." 

Stefan laughed. "Bollocks." He ran a hand through his mess of curls. "I don't think anyone cries pretty." 

"You do." Colin murmured. His fingers traveled to Stefan's lips, tracing their outline. Stefan's breath caught in his throat. He watched Colin's finger intently. Stefan blushed wildly. Colin's touch was so gentle, Stefan couldn't help the small gasp that escaped from his throat. He needed to be as close as he could possibly could with Colin.

It seemed like Colin had the same idea. He leaned over and kissed Stefan. Colin's kiss was as tender as his touch that trailed along Stefan's mouth a few seconds earlier. It was a breath of fresh air. Kissing Colin made the nasty, empty, cavity within himself shrink; filling it instead with a flurry of happiness. In this moment, Stefan thought every awful emotion he had endured up to this point was worth it, just to connect his lips to Colin's.

Stefan kissed Colin until his lips were so sore he thought they might fall off. He didn't care. He couldn't get enough of Colin. He was right in front of him and they were together. Kitty was in another room- maybe asleep. That didn't matter. Right now, Colin was his and only his.

Blissful oblivion. That's how Stefan would describe the kiss after Colin and him eventually pulled apart, short of breath. Kissing Colin was a complete escape from everything; _Bandersnatch_ , his therapist, his dad, his worries. None of that could bother Stefan in this moment. He let Colin's kisses intoxicate him, making him need them like oxygen to a dying fire. He needed them to keep going- to keep existing.

"Let's go to the beach," Colin abruptly said, taking Stefan by the hand. "I've always wanted to go the beach."

Stefan was still in a daze from kissing Colin. He would've agreed to anything that he suggested. "Alright." 

They sneakily left the apartment, making sure Kitty didn't hear them. As soon as they made it into the hallway with the bizarre striped carpet, they burst out into a fit of laughter. The beach wasn't that far. The boys ran hand in hand all the way down to the sandy shores.

The summer sun was perfect today, if Stefan dared say so himself. It wasn't too warm to where he was sweating in his clothes, like many July days.

"Get comfortable. Stay awhile." Colin kicked his shoes and socks off, tossing them aside without a care in the world. "You'll appreciate it."

Stefan obliged. He unrolled his yellow socks off of his legs and set his shoes down next to Colin's. The sand seeped in between his toes. 

_He's right. It feels so warm._

Stefan wiggled his toes, jostling the sand around. Colin grinned. "Race you to the water." He took off, a cloud of sand flying up behind him. 

Stefan laughed and chased after him. It was a close call, but ultimately, Colin reached the ocean first. 

"Look at that," He smirked, stepping into the water. "I won."

Stefan waded in after Colin, letting the waves lap at his feet. The ocean pushed and pulled on his ankles, creating a small tickling sensation. In the distance, a gull cried out. Stefan should've known it was an omen. He was too busy enamored by Colin's goofy smile.

"You did. Maybe I'll win next time," Stefan said, staring out across the ocean. Water reached as far out as he could see. There was no end in sight. Just endless waves gesticulating up and down. The consistency calmed Stefan. 

"Have you ever been to the ocean before?" Colin asked, running his hand through the water. Stefan nodded.

"When I was younger. Not in recent years." The last time he recalled being here was with his Mom before the accident. A lot had changed since then.

"Is it like how you remember it?" 

"I... think so. Why?" Stefan glanced at Colin. A thoughtful look was forming on his face. 

"I wonder if it changes with each timeline," Colin said after a few moments of silence. "I bet in one of the timelines, the sand is purple."

Stefan laughed. "Purple sand? Oh you're more mad than me. Sand can't be purple." 

"Maybe whoever is in control would want to mess around around see if anyone would pay attention." Colin smiled. "You never know."

"That would be interesting, purple sand." 

"We always assume its yellow. We don't check each day. One of those times, maybe it's purple." Colin splashed water onto Stefan. 

Stefan retaliated, sending a large spray of water over Colin. His clear glasses had acquired a layer of water. 

"Not fair! I need these to see." 

Stefan laughed and splashed him again. The two broke away from discussion of purple sand and didn't stop covering each other in water until they were both drenched.

"I need to dry this all off, you got me good," Colin scolded lightly. He made his way back to the shore. They weren't that far out, the water not reaching much higher than their knees. Stefan smiled and walked the same path as Colin. As he stepped onto the beach, small particles of sand clung to his toes. He sat down beside Colin.

"The sand is still yellow."

Colin's last words would become something so nonsensical yet in context, made perfect sense. It was bittersweet. In retrospect, If Stefan could make choices in this world, he wasn't sure if he would've kept them the same or altered them. 

White crept in at the corners of Stefan's vision. It was becoming increasingly hard to see, the white slowly taking over. Worry seized him, his breaths quickening. He shifted his eyes from side to side, trying to escape the encroaching white. 

_What's going on? Why is it getting harder to see?_

The beach didn't look as sunny and bright anymore. In addition to the white, his sight was becoming less clear. Things around Stefan didn't look as detailed anymore. His worry heightened to a full out panic.

Stefan looked over at Colin. He had no idea what was going on, but Colin was slowly slipping out of focus. He used what little time he had left to study Colin's features. He noted the sharp curve of his eyebrows, the little chip on his front tooth, and the paleness of his irises. Colin's smile was the last thing he saw before his vision was a complete sheet of white.

When Stefan opened his eyes, he found himself staring up his ceiling. At first, he had no idea what was going on. He thought he had fallen asleep after spending too many hours in front of a screen inputting code again. The more he fully came back into reality, he realized that wasn't the case.

_No... No... No! We were supposed to be together. That was supposed to be it. That was supposed to be the last time I got reset._

Stefan hauled the covers from off of him and proceeded to pace back and forth in a very erratic manner. All he could do was wrack his brain trying to figure out where he went wrong while an agonizing ache settled into his heart.

_What was the mistake? Was it the beach? Did we not kiss soon enough? Too soon? Should I have made more conversation with Kitty?! Just tell me what it is god damn it just tell me!_

In a harsh bout of anger and frustration, Stefan stormed over to his desk. He pounded on the surface until his knuckles were bright red and starting to bruise. He turned to the various routes for _Bandersnatch_ posted on the walls. Impulsively, he ripped a fair amount of them down. Pages that had taken weeks to go through were now reduced to tiny scraps.

_Fuck you whoever is messing me with me. Fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU. DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? DO YOU THINK CONSTANTLY TEARING THE PERSON I LOVE AWAY FROM ME IS FUNNY? WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS?!_

Stefan threw himself onto his bed and screamed into the pillow. Hot tears streamed down his face as he yelled.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY IS THIS WHAT I'M DOOMED TO REPEAT? DID I REALLY DO SOMETHING SO BAD IN MY LIFE THAT THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE? MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE. I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST MAKE IT STOP. ALL I WANT IS TO BE WITH COLIN. I DON'T CARE IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LIVE ON THE STREET THE REST OF MY LIFE. JUST GIVE ME COLIN. THAT'S ALL I WANT- THAT'S ALL I NEED. I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE."

Silence. Deafening silence. Stefan breathed heavily, seeing if anything had happened upon his pleading. Nothing was any different from what he could tell.

Stefan laid on his back. He wiped the tears from his eyes and took a few deep inhalations before getting back up and going to the bathroom.

The dirty mirror greeted him as it did at the start of every reset. Stefan turned the faucet to its coldest setting and cupped the water in his hands. He doused his face, removing all evidence that he had been crying a couple of minutes ago. He met his steely gaze in the reflection.

_Today will be different._

**Author's Note:**

> Wow so this is much different than my last bandersnatch fic, huh? I wanted to try my hand at angst because this film for sure has the potential. The title is inspired by the quote of Einstein about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being insanity. Also yes it is very dramatized due to Stefan's mental state.


End file.
